 When I think about summer, I tend to think about the fun activities I can do with the kids, the classes or lessons they will have, and the joys of warm weather and sunshine. My picture of the perfect summer gets stifled by the sibling rivalry and conflict that somehow sneak up on me every June.
Maybe your kids have been on summer vacation for a month or maybe they just got out last week; whatever the case, it’s all but guaranteed that your children will struggle to get along sometime over the next three months, and typically sooner rather than later. Let’s just pause for a second - this is completely normal!
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 Have you ever found yourself in a season of increased conflict with your child or teenager? Are there times when it just feels like your butting heads about lots of seemingly small things, or maybe butting heads repeatedly over the same old issue that keeps coming up?
I certainly have been there! A variety of reasons can contribute to finding ourselves in these cycles of increased conflict with our child/teen including their growing desire for independence. Sometimes it just really feels like the young person is “looking for a fight” or “trying to be difficult.” When we start to see the situation through the lens that our child is being “defiant” or “manipulative” we feel the need to act! Often, at this point, parents tend to increase their control over the situations and the child. It makes sense! We are trying to restore order, instill a respect for authority and sometimes maybe make it clear who’s the boss. Maybe you’re struggling with a child that refuses to come and eat dinner at dinner time, or a child that “stirs the pot” by creating some drama when she’s bored. Maybe it’s a teenager that is missing curfew or not getting done the agreed upon chores. Increasing our attempts to “control” our child or teenager is a losing game. We can’t really make that independently minded young person do anything. So what’s a parent to do? Time to move into coaching, not controlling. Put on your “coaches hat” and let’s get started!  Spring break and Easter Break are coming up and whether you travel or have a stay-cation, here are a few ideas to make those breaks a big success for your family. One of my parenting goals for 2023 is to be mindful of changing my job title from "Mom the Manager" to "Mom the Consultant" for my oldest child. At 17 years old and a junior in high-school, the reality that my son is almost legally an adult is hitting me.
My son deals with ADHD (and is very open with sharing that with others). As a result of weaknesses in certain executive functioning skills, over the years I've become accustomed to operating sort of like his "manager". He struggled with time management, so I helped keep him on track. He forgot things, so I doubled checked on them and reminded him. He got distracted easily, so I adjusted things to help with attention. He procrastinated on big projects, so I helped him break them down. and so on, and so on... All of these things had their time and place. But now, his skills are improving. His time management, active memory, attention and task initiation are getting better. I need to adjust my role from being his "manager", the one who makes sure it all gets done right, and on time... to being there as a "consultant". As a consultant I can still be present for him, but I also need to step back and allow him to take full ownership. Maybe that sounds easy to you, but it's taking lots of mindfulness for me to change roles. Of course, it's easy when I think things are going well, and he's "managing" effectively. It's much much harder when I feel like his use (or misuse) of time is leading towards unpleasant results for him. If you have an older child, and feel like you might want to move into the role of "consultant", rather than "manager" here are a few things that are helping me. |
AuthorDana Parisi Archives
March 2025
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