Coaching not controlling

Have you ever found yourself in a season of increased conflict with your child or teenager? Are there times when it just feels like your butting heads about lots of seemingly small things, or maybe butting heads repeatedly over the same old issue that keeps coming up? 
I certainly have been there! A variety of reasons can contribute to finding ourselves in these cycles of increased conflict with our child/teen including their growing desire for independence. Sometimes it just really feels like the young person is “looking for a fight” or “trying to be difficult.” When we start to see the situation through the lens that our child is being “defiant” or “manipulative” we feel the need to act! Often, at this point, parents tend to increase their control over the situations and the child. It makes sense! We are trying to restore order, instill a respect for authority and sometimes maybe make it clear who’s the boss. 
Maybe you’re struggling with a child that refuses to come and eat dinner at dinner time, or a child that “stirs the pot” by creating some drama when she’s bored. Maybe it’s a teenager that is missing curfew or not getting done the agreed upon chores. 
Increasing our attempts to “control” our child or teenager is a losing game. We can’t really make that independently minded young person do anything. 
So what’s a parent to do? 
Time to move into coaching, not controlling.  Put on your “coaches hat” and let’s get started!

Think about a sports game, maybe soccer. The coach teaches the players the rules of the game, and different skills that they will practice to get better and better at playing the game. The coach also teaches codes of conduct. Then a good coach encourages the players. They don’t wait until a goal is made to provide encouragement. The coach encourages all sorts of things, big and small, that are in a positive direction; good passing, good focus, a positive mental attitude, good sportsmanship, good teamwork etc. When the rules of the game are broken a coach doesn’t debate with the player about why there are rules, or if the rule was really broken. The coach pauses the play, provides advice when needed and gets the players back out to play again. 
How can we translate that kind of coaching into our parenting? Here are a few steps, but if you want to talk about your specific situation, send me a message and we can schedule your brainstorming session.

1. Clarify and Communicate: Clarify what the rules or boundaries are in your home and communicate those to your “team” (kids). 
   Example one: “Your daily chore is written on the calendar and will get done before free  time or electronics.” Example two:  “Curfew is 10 PM on school nights.”
2. Teach the Skills. What skills does your child need to know in order to be successful
   Example one: This might be helping build routines, like after school routines. It might be making sure the child knows how to do the requested task. 
   Example two: This might be coaching your teen to plan out the timing and set an alarm, giving a reminder to get home in plenty of time for curfew.   
3. Encourage the Positives!  I love this part. Think of seeds in a garden, what we water grows. Water the positive seeds in your child by recognizing and encouraging them.
    Example one: “So responsible, I appreciate that you emptied the dishwasher after school.”
   Example two: “Thanks for planning ahead to get home in time for curfew, nice work.”
4. Reinforce the Rules if they get broken. 
   Example one: your child has been scrolling youtube for 2 hours after school and didn’t get their chore done. Remind the child of the rules, remove the device until the job is done. (Frequently asked question: does there need to be a penalty? No, not necessarily. But if it's a repeat occurrence you can adjust… let’s chat about your specific situation)
   Example two: Your teen doesn’t plan ahead and is late for curfew. Remind your teen of the curfew time and the importance you place on being on time. Have the teen make a plan (you can help) to make sure they have enough time to make it home by curfew the next time. (If your teen becomes a “repeat offender” of missing curfew then you can adjust. Message me if you want support.)
5. Get the player back into  the game to play again. 
   Example one: child gets the chore done and gets back to doing other fun things that are available. 
   Example two: Teen tells you their plan for making curfew on time before their next evening out with friends. ​

But what about...?
​Schedule a Parent Coaching brainstorm session and let's talk about your specific situation

Brainstorm Session

If you are finding that you and your child are having more conflicts and you want support, reach out to me!

If you have a great example of coaching your child or teen I would love to hear about it! You can email me at [email protected]
Keep up the good work!