Intermittent Reinforcement

Intermittent reinforcement is some powerful stuff! It makes our brain release a hit of dopamine (a "feel good" chemical messenger) when we get what we want, and even in anticipation that we might get what we want!
So what is intermittent reinforcement?

You probably know that positive reinforcement is when we get a positive experience or outcome each time we do a given behavior. For example, you might feel good every time you eat your favorite ice cream. This encourages you to eat ice cream again.

Intermittent reinforcement happens when you get a positive experience or outcome only some of the times that you do a particular behavior. For example, your child might beg, plead and pester to use your phone to play games while you drive. You don't like having your child use your phone because they mess up the settings, get the screen all sticky and occasionally drop it. Therefore, you want to tell your child "no" to that request. Sometimes your "no" holds but other times your child wears you down, complaining and making such a fuss that you hand over your phone (no shame here, we all do similar things). Your child just received intermittent reinforcement. Sometimes when they beg and pester they don't get the reward, but sometimes.... they do! So their brain tells them, "it's just a matter of time and attempts before I get what I want."

This is exactly what keeps people gambling at a slot machine or buying lottery tickets. We know that we won't win money every time, but sometimes we do! There's a chance, so if we keep trying we might win the next time.
In parenting intermittent reinforcement can happen in many situations. You may tell your child they can have a cookie after dinner, but then some days, when you are extra tired you open up the cookies when your child begs for them before dinner. Now your kid asks for a pre-dinner cookie every day. Or perhaps you go grocery shopping with your kids and tell them they can pick out a box of cereal and a flavor of yogurt but occasionally, when they beg for candy in the checkout aisle you sigh and add it to your cart. Then your kids beg for candy every time they shop with you.
It's hard to avoid intermittent reinforcement with our kids, impossible maybe. We don't want to be rigid monsters. We're only human. Of course we want our kids to be happy. We also get tired and run out of energy...

So what are our options?
Consider which situations might have become problematic in your home. What seems to come up time and again where you set a boundary and your child/teen pushes and pushes until they get what they want. Then you end up feeling frustrated and run over? What boundaries are worth putting the energy into holding? Also, which things are you okay with being flexible on?
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The good news is, when we decide that a boundary is worth holding, and we choose to stop intermittently reinforcing our child's negative behavior to get a different outcome, that negative behavior will eventually stop. Our consistency will help rewire the expectation of a possible reward. Think about it. If for the next 3-6 months no one ever won at a casino or in the lottery, would people still keep trying or would their brains tell them "nah, that system doesn't work anymore." 

If you'd like help in taking at a look at your priorities, holding and setting boundaries, and communication with your kids or teens reach out to me!