Finding Balance when Teaching Independence

“When kids master skills, they build self-esteem. Stepping in too soon robs them of achievement and independence.” -Youth Dynamics of Montana

It’s a pretty universal desire for parents to want their children to become independent, and ultimately, that’s our goal, right? But maybe you’ve found yourself in the same place I have - trying to figure out when to let our children struggle or fail and when to step in; it’s a delicate balance.

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First and foremost, if there is an immediate physical safety concern (your child is going to touch a hot stove, or is going to jump into the deep end and lacks the ability to swim) or if there is significant emotional distress (your teenager is experiencing persistent bullying or is being ostracized and rejected by their peers), it is necessary to step in without hesitating. No “natural consequence” or “life lesson” is more important than our children’s physical and emotional well-being. We may also need to step in and help if our children are facing moral, ethical or legal issues. The prefrontal cortex, which isn’t fully formed until we are 25, is responsible for weighing the pros and cons of the decisions we are making. If this region of the brain isn’t fully formed, our children need our help to understand the implications and consequences around their decisions. Modeling this helps our children look beyond the initial, “I’m just going to fall asleep on the couch tonight and wake up for work in the morning,” to “If I fall asleep on the couch tonight and don’t set an alarm, I might oversleep. If I oversleep, I’ll be late for work. If I’m late for work, my manager may fire me or I might not get scheduled for many hours. If I don’t get hours, I won’t be able to afford to buy a car this summer. If I can’t buy a car….” and so on.  Now take the situation of just copying someone else’s homework and turning it in, because it’s really not that important and no one will notice anyway. We can see how this becomes much more important when there are legal, moral or ethical dilemmas at stake. As I’ve told my recently graduated son many times throughout his life, “Let’s follow that thought,” by looking 3-5 steps ahead. 

So when do we take a step back? This can be a tough thing to do - most of us don’t want to see our children struggle or fail, but many times, children learn best from natural consequences (as long as they are safe!). Take for instance, school work. Let’s say your daughter has an assignment that is due today, and you discover the assignment sitting on the counter after she has left for school. Or maybe your son left his lunch bag in the car when you dropped him off. As hard as it may be to not make a quick detour to the school to drop off the assignment or the lunch...Don't! Your child will most likely experience a natural consequence. She may need to miss the fun activity at the end of the school day and instead complete the assignment. Your son may have to eat hot lunch. Will either of these be enjoyable for them? Probably not, but will she double check to make sure she puts her homework in her backpack next time and will he make sure he has his lunch in hand when he gets out of the car? Absolutely! And the best part? You didn’t have to orchestrate either of these lessons being learned.

​On the other hand, maybe your daughter (like mine!) left her running shoes in the car, and she has a big track meet after school where others are relying on her as a teammate to be present and successful in her events. This is not a situation where I would allow a “natural consequence” to occur, and would drop the shoes off. Basically, each scenario requires you as the parent to evaluate the best response for your child. There is no cookie-cutter response. (If your child seems to struggle with the same thing over and over, try looking at the bigger picture to figure out how you may be able to help him learn to be independent on his own. Having a quick checklist by the door where he could mentally check off the regular things he needs to bring each day can create a smoother day for everyone.)
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If you discover this is an area you need to grow in and would like some assistance, I’m here to help. Feel free to set up a brainstorming session with me, and we can look into the best way to work together!

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